Breaking Up is Hard to Do

About a year ago, I penned a blog post addressed to women about how we can and should build up our sisters.  Clearly, I feel strongly about this since my fingers hijacked my keyboard and turned five suggestions into 15 before I knew what happened.  Showing love to our sisters is important, critical even, for the growth of the relationship. 

But, what happens when a friend relationship goes south?  When a major trust infraction occurs?  When being around that person brings out the worst in you? When the tension between you and your friend is palpable, unhealthy and dysfunctional?  (If you are trying to discern whether you are in an unhealthy relationship, read these six signs it might be time to break up.)

You have a decision to make:  Break fellowship or accept the consequences of a toxic relationship.

I have had to cut ties with a small number of dear friends during my lifetime.  Each time, I grieved and mourned the loss of that friendship and will still experience waves of the “good times” wash over me when I least expect it.  Pain and suffering are inevitable.  If you don’t feel this, you probably never really loved the person or invested much time in the relationship.  I’m not talking about losing touch with an acquaintance where you found you had little in common or were only friends for a short time.

My relational muscle is strong.  I crave deep, authentic community with women.  I work hard to be a trustworthy, loyal, edifying friend.  On the flip side, there have absolutely been times when I have messed up big time and a friend has cut ties with me.  I have been on both sides of this.  None of it feels good and it’s never easy. 

In my almost 40 years of being in relationships with other humans, here’s what I have learned about walking away from a less-than-edifying friendship:

Less is More.  Open and honest communication in healthy relationships is expected and natural.  Sadly, when a friend break up happens, the very personal reasons behind it are not always worth “talking out” or even explaining. If you are ready to sever ties, chances are you have made many attempts to resolve the underlying conflict.  (If not, take this author's advice on preparing your speech and talking things out.) Your friend is not entitled to an in-depth explanation if the toxicity has reached a level that requires an abrupt ravine between the two of you. Only you know if talking to your friend in person about the issues would cause more harm than good.  I suspect that not everyone will agree with me on this point, but my experience tells me that another painful, gut-punching conversation about why we aren't seeing eye-to-eye isn't going to solve anything.

Love them from a Distance.  Just because you walk away doesn’t mean you have to hate the person.  You can love them from a distance, pray for them and do your best to honor them with your words when talking to others.  You don’t have to let anyone else know why you cut ties.  It’s not their business and it doesn’t honor God to gossip about them. 

Forgiveness and Compassion.  Ending a friendship should never be done with a spirit of malice or cruelty.  You will most likely hurt the other person when they figure out that you have moved on from the relationship.  Eventually, you need to get to a place of forgiveness and compassion for the friend even if you feel they don’t deserve it.  Don’t let their hurtful or disheartening behavior continue to have power over your emotions.  Forgive, have compassion and move on. 

Conflict is Biblical.  Yes, the Bible teaches us to love one another, give grace and forgive each other.  Check, check and check.  BUT, the Bible does not tell us to be a doormat and tolerate agonizing or hurtful behavior from our Christian sisters (Matthew 18:17 and Titus 3:9-10).  The Bible also gives us real examples of relational conflict.  Paul famously broke fellowship with Mark, Barnabas and Peter.  Clues in the Bible tell us that Paul restored his relationship with Mark and Barnabas, but not Peter.  Stop believing you are unworthy to follow Jesus and unholy if you can’t get along with every person you meet.  To be clear, I’m not suggesting you use this principal as an excuse to complain about or find fault in others (Jude 1:16).  Focus on relationships that are built on trust, unconditional love and genuine empathy. 

Set Boundaries.  Setting physical boundaries where emotional boundaries have been trampled is an important step in the process of removing yourself from a toxic relationship.  This means you decline lunch appointments, shirk play dates and limit your texts and phone calls with the person.  This is a difficult step to take and should only be reserved for relationships that would require a miracle of God or a year of professional counseling to repair.  Listen, if a friend relationship takes more time, effort and work to keep on track than it takes to climb Mt. Everest, it might be time to walk away.  Still on the fence?  Read these four signs you are in a toxic relationship.

To Unfriend or Not to Unfriend:  Ten years ago, friend break ups were a lot less complicated. Social media reveals our deep friendships, casual connections and even our relationship failures to an audience once left in the dark.  Our mutual friends are now privy to a falling out whether we like it or not.  But here's the truth: when someone hurts you deeply and consistently over time and you come to the place where repairing the relationship is not feasible, drastic social media boundaries might be in order.  Be warned:  I have learned the hard way that this is like poking someone’s eyes out with a fork in public. Expect collateral damage. Friends on the fringes will unfairly judge your decision.  Again, it’s not their business. This step, while controversial, will protect your heart from seeing her posts and reminding you of the hurt and grief she caused you.  It also prohibits your friend from posting things on your page that are insincere or possibly hurtful.  I have a rule about this:  If I see you on a weekly or monthly basis over a consistent period of time, and you intentionally refuse to speak to me or make eye contact with me, I am going to assume you and I are no longer friends in “real life”.  Social media connections are fair game to be broken.  There, I said it.  It just doesn’t feel authentic to be “friends” with someone on Facebook or Instagram if they refuse to acknowledge me in public. 

Restoration is Possible.  Depending on how deep the relationship ties were and the severity of the offenses, restoration is still possible.  Time has a way of healing even our deepest wounds. One of my dearest childhood friends and I cut ties very suddenly when my son was very young over something I did. Almost 10 years later, we began writing each other and reconnected. Apologies were offered. Harmful words and actions were forgiven.  We don’t share the closeness we once had, but I am so happy to have restoration with this friend much like Paul and Barnabas must have experienced. I nearly missed her wedding as a result of our separation. God's timing was perfect, and I was honored to witness her nuptials.

Removing unhealthy or toxic relationships from your life takes courage and will cause you grief.  Understand that liberating yourself from dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships will set you on a path to spiritual, emotional and physical health that you cannot know or fully appreciate until you are on the other side.

What relationships in your life are toxic?  Is it time to set some boundaries? What relationships are built on trust and unconditional love?  Are you nurturing those friendships?

Family Dinners are Worth Fighting For

Family dinners were a staple of my childhood.  Time spent as a cohesive family of four was infrequent but family dinners were consistently a time to be together and catch up.

I envisioned recreating my childhood family meal times to be as natural and routine as breathing.  Everyone has to eat and families love each other so how hard can this be?  Reality has a way of beating you down and stealing your joy.  Maybe I'm the only one.

As a new mom, I found family dinner time to be exhausting and miserable.

Stay with me.

The kids complained about everything I cooked.  In their defense, my cooking is not exactly gourmet quality. As they got older, they couldn’t wait to excuse themselves to go back to their iPads and TV shows.  No one wanted to talk about their day or month or challenges they were facing.  The hubs was usually starving and not exactly up for having intriguing conversations or leading family devotionals. Sigh.

Feeling defeated, I gave up on family dinners many years ago and used dinner time as an opportunity to connect with my husband.  I became a short-order cook for the kids.  “You want toast and jelly for dinner? Served!”.

The hubs and I neglected our children and reconnected and downloaded about our day over a quick meal. Less drama.  Problem solved.

It wasn’t ideal, but it was better than the misery of forced family meal time where a riot might ensue at any moment.  Before you judge me, keep in mind that my son’s food aversions have made me consider reaching out to a food therapist multiple times.  He’s closer to a “non eater” than a picky one.  At one point, his BMI was 3%.  He’s not a little picky and I’m not easily defeated.  Know that, my friend.

And yet, studies suggest that family dinners benefit children immensely.  Parent fail. Let the guilt consume me now.

It was a documented goal of ours to have at least three family meals per week once we made the transition to rural, small town America and left the rat race behind.  Just three.

After living here a year, the idea of facilitating enjoyable family dinners didn’t seem as daunting.  After all, I was working from home and had a bit more time to be intentional and felt I had the stamina to withstand the inevitable grief and backlash that I would no doubt endure.

With vomit bowls at the ready (not kidding!), we cooked one meal for ALL family members and forced the kids to eat steak, spaghetti, grilled chicken, shrimp, pork tenderloin and many other horrible foods.

Aren’t we the worst parents ever? They hated it. They complained. It was miserable.

"This is the most disgusting thing ever!" and "I am NEVER eating this!" were phrases we heard constantly.

We didn’t give up.

We started out having one to two meals per week and gradually increased our together time as the drama got easier to manage.  We mixed in pizza delivery and other kid-friendly favorites to ease the transition.

Several months into grief-stricken meals where we forced food down them, corrected terrible table manners and tried to have civil conversations, something happened.

Mom’s food became tolerable, our son requested steak and claimed it as his favorite, our daughter wanted to help mom cook and volunteered to set the table. Soon, home-cooked dinners became incredibly peaceful and quiet. Blissful even. But, without conflict, we had nothing to say to each other.

Now what?

A wise mom gave me the idea of having each person talk about their high point and low point of their day. Brilliant.  We immediately added this component to family dinner time.  Many times, our son’s “high” will be family dinner time or the meal in front of him.  Bless him!  My heart swells every time this happens.

Being an intentional parent is exhausting.  Seemingly joyous encounters between family members -- vacation, meal time, game night -- can quickly turn into contentious, hurtful battlefields.

I now create a monthly meal plan and post it on the fridge.  The kids know what we’re having and don’t complain (most days!).  I no longer have a panic attack at 5:30 pm wondering what we are going to eat for dinner.

For us, the time investment was immense.  The abuse we endured was painful.  But, the outcome has been worth all of the sacrifice and agony.

If you are struggling to connect as a family, keep pushing through the pain.  Don’t give up.  Be intentional. Don’t take it personally when the kids insult your cooking, want to eat junk food and fight every time they are together.  Continue to demand mutual respect and play referee, when needed, and love on them through the quarrelsome times.  Most of all, don’t yell.  The anxiety you evoke will only make the situation worse.

I genuinely look forward to spending time as a family now.  This hasn’t always been the case and it’s difficult to admit that.

As moms, we don’t always like to talk about our failures or seek out advice as to how to facilitate better family relationships.

My prayer is that moms would find other moms to link arms with.  That they would actively seek out friends to build them up and make relationships with other moms in which support and encouragement are traded constantly.

In a few weeks, our family will embark on a 17-hour road trip, one way.  I'm hopeful that the work we've put into bringing our family closer together will make for a fun experience with lasting memories.  If not, I have headphones for everyone.

Shoring Up Our Sisters

When you think of shoring up something, you probably think of support beams and concrete.  After all, “shoring” is a construction term used to describe the process of supporting a structure in order to prevent collapse or erosion.  My in-laws shored up their lake house to prevent the foundation from eroding.  But, suppose we applied this principle to our relationships with the women in our lives.

Strong, supportive relationships are the basis of healthy work places, functional families and thriving churches.

Sadly, I frequently witness women quick to criticize and tear down other women, be it strangers or friends.  I am absolutely guilty of this.  We say things like, "Can you believe she blah, blah, blah?!" or "Did you hear that so-and-so forgot to fill-in-the-blank?!".  At times, it seems that we are hoping for our fellow sisters to fail or at least go through some pain and suffering for our own entertainment.  What is wrong with us?!

As women, we have made tremendous strides in society over the last 50+ years, but our ability to pat each other on the back and give genuine encouragement still lags. It's been my experience that women don't naturally think of positive things to say when a friend is, for example, killing it at work or juggling all three kids while her husband is traveling. Instead, we say awful things like, "I think Susie is working way too hard. She seems really stressed..." or "Did you see what Susie's youngest wore to school today?! She must be losing it!".

This recent post on Facebook where a friend doted on her best friend in authentic and heartfelt ways, made me realize how rarely I see this and prompted me to write this post. I suspect some women roll their eyes when they see an outpouring of positive sentiments for a fellow female.

Almost every book, article and Bible study on this subject claims our negative behavior stems from insecurity, and I suppose that is at play. But what makes us so insecure? Could the constant lack of consistent encouragement by half of the population contribute?

What if we lived in a world where women smiled graciously and oozed self-assured compliments without the expectation of reciprocation. Would our sense of self worth increase?

Even on our best days when we are walking tall as Daughters of Christ, a cold glance, curt response or deliberate avoidance can absolutely impact how we feel about ourselves.

I feel strongly that we have a responsibility to avoid criticizing other women and look for ways to shore up one another.

My mom used to say, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.".  But, I want to expand on this:  If you can't say something nice, ask yourself why?  Then, MAKE yourself say something nice.

I recently visited a church where the pastor talked about relationships.  He reminded me that relationships, like our faith, begin with trust.  Without trust, there is no relationship.  Can other women trust you?  Are you a sincere and genuine friend?

Because I’m a practical gal, I am providing you with 15 ways to “shore up” other women and communicate love that I hope you will consider putting into practice.  (Since there is no shortage of advice in the Bible as to how we are to love each other, I have included scripture verses that reiterate these points.)

1. Let her know you care.  Send a private message, email or text that says simply, "I'm thinking about you. Have a great day!" or “Hope you have a great day!”.  You never know when a friend might need a quick note of encouragement.  This doesn’t have to be a long dialogue or take up an hour of your day.  (Romans 15:4-5)

2. Hugs, hugs and more hugs.  A respected family therapist claims, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.” For close friends and people you see often, hugs can be huge. Physical touch shows that you care and communicates genuine (not fake) affection.  Have you ever tried to hug someone that you just criticized or that annoys you? There are some women that hate to be hugged but they are usually easy to read. Go in for a light shoulder pat if you encounter an anti-hugger. If you need more proof that hugs are huge, read this.  (Romans 12:9-10)

3. Give her an unexpected gift. Who doesn't love gifts? Women are easy to please and are usually floored by unexpected gifts. A few dollars can brighten her day. Drop off her favorite can of soda, candy bar and/or snack in a gift bag to let her know you care. I love giving extravagant gifts to close friends but typically save this for special circumstances.  (Matthew 10:42 and Luke 6:30-31)

4. Celebrate your differences. Opposing views on parenting or TV shows can destroy a friendship if grace is not given. Agree to disagree and avoid conversations that quickly escalate into debates or make you feel like putting on boxing gloves. (Proverbs 15:1-2)

5. Stay the course. For your inner circle of friends, the responsibilities of showing love are greater. Thankfully, social media tools make it easy to stay abreast of our friends' moods and activities, but don't rely on this tool for those 2-3 sticky friends. Our online persona doesn't always reflect reality. Only regular face-to-face contact or weekly in-depth conversations (electronic or by phone) can produce heartfelt honesty. No one wants to vent to a friend about life beating them down if they haven't spoken in months. (Proverbs 27:17 and Hebrews 10:25)

6. Don't pass judgment. Just don't. You don't know where she's been, how she was raised or the intensity of the fight she and her husband got into right before she left the house in her PJs.  (Romans 2:1-4 and Luke 6:37)

7. Learn how to take a compliment.  If a women tells you she loves your shirt, don’t insult her.  Just smile graciously, soak in her words and say “Thank you!”.  Routinely, I will respond to compliments by insulting the kind person, “What….this shirt?!  I’ve had it for like 12 years and I hate it.”   Deflecting compliments reveals our insecurities and undermines what your sister is trying to accomplish.  (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

8. Ask for grace. Running into a friend or acquaintance at the grocery store while in a rush or after a stressful day at work is never easy. Within 24 hours, simply text her (or send a private message) and explain your distant behavior. This may seem over the top but women have done this for me and it's made such an impression that I've started paying it forward. (James 4:6)

9. Don't give her unsolicited advice. Just listen and lament. So often, our well-meaning advice can sound like we disagree with every decision she's made. Sometimes she just needs you to nod and show compassion as she talks through a difficult situation. How boring would it be if we all had the same opinions, likes/dislikes and taste in clothes? Sometimes our differences cause us to hurt each other. Other times we are just way too opinionated for our own good!  Rule of thumb:  Does this  impact you personally?  No? Then, keep your opposing and hurtful opinions to yourself.  (James 1:19)

10. Brag on her publicly.  Social media is an awesome tool that can be used to communicate love about our friends when others are watching.  Uplifting posts about our friends on their wall or in comments can do wonders for everyone involved.  I’ve already shared that the catalyst for writing this post came as a result of reading that amazing post pictured above.  (Ephesians 4:29)

11. Seek counsel, not a gossip chain.  When our sisters hurt us, our first inclination is to spew on the first friend we see that will totally have our back and maybe even throw some fuel on the fire.  That always makes the situation better, right?  Wrong.  If there is a serious friendship offense that you HAVE to vent about, seek out a friend that is either completely removed from the situation or a person that loves your sister so much that nothing you say can sway her opinion. Many times, talking out the situation can help us to see our part in the breakdown.  (Hebrews 12:15)

12. Compliment her.  Tell her you love her hair, make up, eyebrows, earrings, shoes and parenting style.  There is no better feeling in the world than to watch a sister light up after being told she looks amazing or has great organizational skills.  My husband is not especially good at verbal compliments and he would admit that.  Thankfully, I have observant friends that always seem to notice a new pair of earrings or a fresh dye job on the do. (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

13. Be above reproach.  Put simply: aspire to be classy.  This simply means that you behave in a way that doesn't give your sister any reason to doubt your intentions or give her a reason to be disappointed in you.  This isn’t a way to show love, necessarily, but is more of an integrity check.  Stop yourself the next time you want to make a snide comment about someone to your bestie for a quick laugh.  (1 Peter 3:16 and 2 Corinthians 6:3).

14. Forgive her.  Your sisters are going to mess up.  None of us is perfect.  If relationships are going to press past the tough stuff, authentic forgiveness has to happen.  Again and again and again.  If your sister completely messes up but the offense is not egregious, forgive her (in your heart and mind) and move on. If you need to confront her, re-read tip No. 11 first.  (Matthew 18:22 and Colossians 3:13)

15. Pray for her.  This is a no-brainer but can be the most difficult.  Praying for someone that has hurt you will stretch your faith beyond measure.  A wise pastor’s wife recently reminded me that it's hard to think negatively about someone you are constantly lifting up in prayer. And, you leave room for God to do amazing things in her life. (Philippians 4:6-7)

In short, do the opposite when you feel like being negative. Serve her, pray for her and remind  yourself of the good things about your sister.  Don't vilify your sister and build a case against her to make yourself feel better than her. (Proverbs 12:18)

Let’s face it, we are all guilty of being critical and withholding love from our sisters. Myself included. Sadly, I have joked that being critical is one of my "spiritual gifts."

In legal vernacular, I'm issuing a cease and desist order on myself. No, I'm not going to be the “Negative Police” for fear of -- what else -- criticism. But, I will not be participating any longer and may gracefully exit the conversation.  It will take courage and practice on my part to step away from damaging words.

According to God and His Word, we are to love people (Matthew 22:37-39).

All people.

Even our sisters we are jealous of.
The ones that talk too loud.
Homeschool their kids.
Send their kids to public school.
Use Facebook as a personal diary.
Wear inappropriate clothing.
Party too much.
And, well, you get the idea.

Executing God's command looks a lot like the tips I have provided in this post. But this doesn't scratch the surface.

I challenge you to show love in other meaningful ways and figure out innovative ways to shore up your sisters. 

Sacroiliac, Costochondritis and Diet Coke: Making Sense of it All

Food has always comforted me.  I love the many textures, tastes and varieties and have always been able to eat more than my female friends, and some of my male friends.  My father nicknamed me “hollow leg” as a child due to the sheer amount of food I could ingest.  I was also nicknamed “Olive Oil” back in those days.
Fast forward a few -- ahem -- many years later and my ravenous eating habits are not behaviors I like to boast about.  Nor have they done my figure any favors.

That’s all about to change.  Sure, I’ve done the yo-yo dieting thing for years and I have even lost enough weight to get back into my “skinny jeans” a few times as an adult.  This time is different.

In August, I injured my hip while working out.  What I thought was a minor injury, resulted in weeks of near daily chiropractic appointments, excruciating pain, having to walk with a cane and ingesting large doses of Advil around-the-clock.  Turns out, I have inflammation in my Sacroiliac joint (SI for short).  This is the major joint between your hip and pelvis.

Chest pains are also becoming common for me.  Sharp, shooting pains would often plague me while trying to sleep on my left side.  Breathing deeply would also trigger this pain.  Talk about freaked out?!  After seeing a doctor (for the record, I doubted my chiro could help me with this), having an EKG and diving deeper into my symptoms, my general practitioner determined that I am suffering from costochondritis, inflammation of the cartilage that connects the rib to the sternum.  My "rib" pain happened to be exactly where my heart is located which mimics the effects of a heart attack.

Are you seeing a trend here?

Inflammation is wreaking so much havoc on my body and causing me to feel 40 years older than my years on this planet.

The cause?  Well, there is so much misinformation out there to sift through, but if I’m being honest, I eat garbage and the only liquids I like are coffee (with sugar free creamer, please!) and Diet Coke.  My body has been anything but a temple (1 Cor 6:19-20).

The Plan…

Step One:  Cut out all aspartame.  Regardless of where you are on the aspartame-will-give-me-cancer-and-kill-me spectrum, I’m pretty sure this stuff is bad for you.  Much like people used to smoke in classrooms and office buildings, I strongly suspect that aspartame will continue to be heavily debated as to its negative health impacts on humans over the next 50 years.  Am I suffering from aspartame poising?  Maybe. (for the record, my doctor didn't discredit my self-diagnosis.)  I can tell you that I’m not consuming it knowingly from this point further.

Step Two:  Eat better.  As I stated earlier, this is not a strength of mine.  Luckily, I have great friends and colleagues that can help cheer me on.  I started with an Advocare herbal cleanse to reset my body.  (I don’t sell these products and am not pushing them on you.)  I did my homework and I liked that Advocare doesn’t use aspartame in their Spark drinks and other products, so I went with this option.  I have been making much healthier choices in the last week, and I have a renewed vigor about staying with this new way of eating AND DRINKING.  I have been apprehensively exploring the healthy sections at the grocery store with increasing curiosity.  Curiosity has turned to excitement.  I have discovered coconut oil.  Why didn’t anyone tell me how fabulous this stuff is?!  I also bought artichokes and pinned as many artichoke recipes as I could find.  I love artichokes.  Always have.  Now I am going to eat them more often.

Step Three:  Don’t break the bank.  In an effort to not have my grocery budget sky rocket, we are going to plant a modest garden in the backyard and start with a few winter staples:  spinach, kale, broccoli and carrots.  I realize that we will need to spend more on food, but I am going to continue to look for cost-saving ways to do this.  Your tips and tricks are welcome!

Step Four:  Fit it all in.  It’s no secret that we live a face-paced life.  I have a demanding, full-time job which requires me to travel frequently.  I am a church plant pastor’s wife (think start-up church) and our church has gone from around 20 people to 500 in an astronomically short amount of time.   We homeschool our 7th grade son.  We have a strong-willed and energetic 1st grade daughter.  We are constantly on the go, and when we aren’t, we like to fall on the couch in front of the TV and take a deep breath….or two. Thankfully, my mother graciously purchased a Nutribullet for our family so that I can make “green smoothies” and get our veggies even when life gets in the way.  (Again, not pushing products on you.  I did my homework and this was the most affordable option that received good reviews.)

I want more energy.  I want to feel healthy again.  (I haven’t even mentioned my issues with brain fog, fatigue and sleep deprivation!)  There are no weight loss goals, no inches to count.  This is not about fitting into a cute outfit by Christmas or seeing the number go down on my scale.  This is about my body’s health and its inner-workings that I have short circuited.

I hope that you will follow or even join me on this journey and consider making small steps of your own toward a healthier lifestyle.  I can tell you from experience that your body will give you clues (subtle and not-so-subtle) that you are not giving it what it needs to perform optimally.  I'm grateful that God gave me pain.  I hear You, loud-and-clear!

Missing My Man

It definitely wasn’t love at first sight.  It’s not that I don’t believe in such things.  That’s just not how it happened for us.  After six years of being in the same friend circle, we finally connected on a deeper level.  We ran into each other after not seeing one another for several months and started talking.  After that first initial spark, a fire erupted and things moved incredibly fast.  We were married seven months later.

During our 12 years of marriage, we’ve spent time apart because of work trips and even lived four states away from each other for 6 months while he finished school and I began our family’s transition back to Texas. That was early in our marriage, and I honestly don’t recall missing him all that much.  I had a toddler to chase after, a new job to focus on and bills to pay.  And, something was different about our marriage back then.

I left to go out of town for work on Tuesday, May 14, and, on Saturday, May 26, I will pick up my husband from the airport and spend a few brief hours with him before leaving again to go out of town for one night.  When I get back, he leaves again for three days.  In fifteen days, we will spend one night together.

These past 12 days have been agonizing without my best friend.  I am incredibly independent and there was a time in my life when I was pretty convinced I would never get married.  I didn’t want another person to depend on me, and I certainly didn’t want to depend on a man for anything.  But, I would gladly endure the temporary suffering while he is away over the long-term pain of isolation.

Marrying him was the best decision I ever made.  He periodically tells me or others that I am somehow responsible for his salvation and that he would not be doing ministry if it wasn’t for me.  The truth is, I believe he saved me from a selfish path of bitterness, regret and anger.   Together, we are better individuals.  I see that now.

Since surrendering our lives (and our marriage) to God and vowing to be obedient to Him and not our own selfish desires, an amazing thing happened.  Our marriage went from on-the-rocks, to tolerable to ON FIRE!

Seriously, our marriage is more fun and exciting than I ever thought being in a relationship could be.  Our expectations are communicated and our communication is respectful.  We laugh more, we actually want to spend time together, we look for ways to serve the other and we don’t hold onto feelings of resentment or discontent to use against the other in a future fight.  Our early days of marriage looked quite opposite of the picture I’ve just painted.  Please don’t read this and think we have it all figured out.  We don’t.  Our first few years were beyond tough.  But, I’m so grateful that we stuck with our marriage long enough to enjoy the incredible benefits of loving another person unconditionally.

For the past week, he’s been in Alaska on a mission trip with other creative geniuses, musicians and techies.  I suspect he is having a blast, and I absolutely want him to grow, learn and serve God in other places in the world.  But, I miss him.  Bad.  It’s hard for me to admit how badly I want to melt in his arms.  I still have one more day without him to get through and then he will be home.

God’s plan is perfect.  I didn’t call my husband to serve in a church.  God did.  My husband didn’t pull me out of a place of bitterness and regret, God did.  He put us together for a purpose, and I suspect we’ve only experienced a glimpse of what He will do through us and our marriage to build His kingdom.  And, while I strongly desire to be reunited with my husband, I know that my identity is not found in my husband’s eyes.  My identity is found in Christ and that brings me great comfort.

If you are looking for resources to build a stronger marriage, I strongly recommend the resources found at www.refineus.org and the book Beyond Ordinary by Justin and Trisha Davis.

Lightning Crashes

My favorite blogger, P-Dub, says you should blog like you are talking to your sister.  I love that.  I don’t have a sister, but I always wanted one.  This is a story I would tell my sister, a friend or the person in front of me at Wal-Mart.

The morning started off great.  At 5:45 am, I was on the treadmill and ready for a great workout.  Home by 6:30 am, the kids morning routine would be no sweat.  At 7:45 am, I was perched in front of a dozen Pre-K kids giving their teacher some time off in honor of Teacher Appreciation Week.  Fifteen minutes later, I was relieved of my duties one-hour shy of my original end time.  It was nothing against me, the kids were starting their day in the computer lab.  My visions of wide-eyed Pre-K kids gazing up at me as I read them enchanting children’s stories I dug out of my daughter’s closet the night before quickly vanished.

Actually, I was relieved.  Work demands called, and I was feeling the pressure.  At 8:20 am, I was in my home office working diligently on a large project that had been on the back burner due to other pressing matters.

At approximately 10 am, my whole body recoiled as I experienced the loudest sound I have ever physically endured.  My body shook and my ears rang as I tried to process what happened.  I opened my eyes and looked around to see if the world was still turning and witnessed large chunks of sparks flying off the power lines draped above my neighbor’s backyard.

Lightning had struck the transformer behind our home about 20 yards from where I sat.  I would learn that in the next few minutes.  Immediately after the shock of the boom, I screamed.  Literally.  I’m not a screamer, but I vocalized my fear in a way much like someone who had just learned their loved one had just died.

Zapped transformer

Panic stricken, I ran away from my office area and, thankfully, my husband was there to grab me and hold me tightly and say exactly what I needed to hear to calm me down, if just for a moment.  After checking out the damage and seeing about our neighbor and a lot of deep breathing, the adrenalin rush subsided.

Faced with no power for several hours, I packed up my computer and headed to my favorite, local coffee shop.  Working from a coffee shop would be fun, I told myself.  And, volunteering for a few brief minutes that morning had paid off.  I had make up on and looked acceptable for working in public.

Time to get to work.  I opened my laptop and pushed the start button and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Thirty seconds later -- patience is not a virtue I possess -- I called my husband a/k/a Computer Technician Extraordinaire to explain what my computer wasn’t doing.  I tried his recommendations to no avail and started to experience  the panic stricken feeling rising up in me all over again. Our IT department confirmed my fears.  My work-issued laptop was fried.  Awesome.

I thrive on finding solutions to problems in crisis situations, but I would be lying if I didn’t say I wanted to crawl back into bed at that moment and have a complete do-over.  If my computer was fried, what other dead appliances awaited us when the power was restored?  Insurance deductibles and long hold times started swirling around in my head.  I struggled to stay focused on finding a way to meet my impending work demands.

Finally, action items and to-do lists started to churn in my brain.  I called our IT department and asked for a new computer to be set up for me and shipped to our Dallas office.  I would drive there the next day to pick it up.  I would be working in our headquarter office the following week and could work out any issues.  I emailed my team and let them know about my technology challenges.  I called my assistant and walked her through a few projects she could help pick up for me.  I answered emails on my iPhone and set up my remote working software on my iPad mini that I had brought with me.

I went to lunch and tried to forget about the last two hours.  Our power would most likely be back on after lunch, and I could continue working from home.  The house was dark when we arrived after lunch.  My brilliant husband checked the breaker box and voila, power restored!  I held my breath as we tested each appliance and piece of technology.  It appears that the only items damaged were the guest room TV, a DVD player, the guest room cable box, our internet router and, of course, my laptop.

The day continued to have challenges but whining and complaining about them now feels pointless and futile.  Even in the thick of the stress and  the mess of that day, I still managed to have a Pollyanna-like voice in my head saying, “It could be worse.  I could have been outside when the lightning hit.  I could have not been able to go to Dallas the next day to get my new computer.  I could be suffering from a terminal disease. I could be jobless.  There are so many worse things that I could be coping with.”

As evening approached, I decided to focus on one thing I could control: my hair color.  Dying my hair darker had been on my to-do list for several weeks as evidenced by the unopened box of hair dye on my bathroom counter.  Dying my hair that night proved cathartic and distracted me into concentrating on something that I could do something about.

Lightning crashed and even though my life felt as if it was falling apart around me, I stayed focused on God and His promises.  The storms of life can bring scary, heart pounding lightning, literally and figuratively, and can easily derail our well-intentioned behaviors and send us spiraling into a stressed out mess of emotions.  Or, we can calmly relinquish control of our lives to the one who loves us more than anyone else and be confident that He has our back and will see us through to the other side of the storm.

The scene outside our home a few minutes
after the lightning strike.

A New Start

After a long hiatus from blogging, I’m back.  My goal was always to keep it up, but life, laundry and laziness has kept me away.

Over the past few months, many things have transpired and yet lots of things have stayed the same which I appreciate.  But, God didn’t call us here to be comfortable and settled so I suspect that we will be jarred out of any comfort we have grown to appreciate soon enough.  And, that’s okay.

To get you caught up, last August we bought the house we were renting for the first year and now have a list of about 30 DIY projects.  A new flower bed in the front yard was a good start!

While digging and tilling and sweating in my front yard last Saturday, I found my center again.  Sure, I neglected other cleaning projects and could have spent the day playing Candy Land with the kids, but I felt I needed some intense alone time accomplishing a clear task.  That sense of completion fuels me.  Connecting with nature and strategically placing plants, flowers and mulch felt like a grown-up craft project that I had not realized my soul was craving.

Selfishness was the message at church on Sunday.  Figures. Clearly, I was selfish in my determination to plant a new flower bed on Saturday, but I also know that by doing things that feed my soul, I have more strength to serve those around me.  And, selflessness is the cure for selfishness.

Writing fills me.  It always has.  Since I write all day for my job, I had convinced myself that I didn’t need to write for personal enjoyment.  My hand written journal entries have all but stopped and my blog….well, just look at the date of my last post.

Seeking a balance between feeling fulfilled and giving every bit of energy to the people around me is a constant learning process.  One that may take a life time to get right.

Either way, I’m determined to start writing again and maybe even plant a few more gardens before spring ends.

What fills you and gives you energy to serve others?

The Full Story

As I stated in my first post, our family began this journey many months ago when we learned that our friends were moving. It was at that time that we started putting things in motion to make this transition.

You see, my husband began using his musical and technical gifts and talents to help our local church nearly six years ago. Since then, he has slowly shifted to doing this full time. It has been an amazing thing to watch God work in him and through him to impact other people.

Serving in the church full time is clearly where God wants him to be. He’s good at it. He’s a better husband, dad, friend and person because of it.

Serving in ministry is not a high-paying job, and we were used to living a certain way and having a little extra spending money each month. Supporting my husband and his new found purpose meant we were going to have to sacrifice.

Before moving, I was commuting 45 minutes one way and working a lot of over time. I loved my job and had no plans to change, but I also knew that I was missing out on my kid’s lives and carving out time to hang out with my husband felt like work. Something had to give but it wasn’t going to be my job.

When our friends told us that they were moving to a small town in Texas to start a new church, we both wanted to entertain the idea of helping them. But how could we possibly do this? Where would I work? How would we pay our huge student loan bills on a small-town salary?

The answer became clear one afternoon while speaking with one of my mentors.

I would present a work-from-home scenario to my employer and a new, much-needed position that could be done from home. For weeks, I worked on a written proposal and practiced what I would say to my boss when the opportunity presented itself to pitch my far-fetched idea.

I wasn’t sure what the reaction would be from my company. I did expect to be met with a lot of red tape and obstacles. Would they allow me to keep my benefits? Would there be a lot of technology that I would need to purchase?

What I didn’t expect was for my boss and my company to be open and even eager to help me make this idea a reality. During the entire process, I felt calm and relaxed that everything would work out the way it was supposed to. Again, this is not like me. It was as if I was on some trial anxiety medication that worked like a dream.

In a few short months, I went from working and commuting more hours a week than I care to admit to working from home and having a 30 second commute (I take my purse with me to the “office” attached to my house).

As if having an out-of-body experience, I have watched this grand plan that could have only be orchestrated by God Himself play out over the last 10 months (in retrospect, some things leading up to this have been in the works for years).

Some of the events that have transpired to make this move a reality have been small miracles. Seriously. If someone had told me two years ago that I would be working from home, my husband would be doing ministry full-time and that we would be living in a small, rural community, I would have laughed hysterically.

There is no other explanation for how we got to where we are today aside from the fact that a God who loves us and wants the best for us has a plan for the people in this area and wanted us to play a part in it.

Maybe this is our purpose…to bring the light of the world to this rural part of Texas.

The Fridge Debacle

We moved into our rent home far away from many modern conveniences on a Tuesday. By Thursday, it was obvious our refrigerator wasn’t working. While the AC repair man was checking why our AC wasn’t working (that is a post for another day!), I asked him if he could check the temp in our fridge with his temp gauge. “It doesn’t seem to be cooling ma’am,” stated the courteous AC repair man. Perfect. Luckily, we hadn’t even had time to go grocery shopping since officially moving in.

A quick trip to the gas station and everything worth saving was in a cooler and on ice. In my old life, I would have had a plethora of options for solving this inconvenient problem. But, I was in a new, foreign place. Out of sheer pity, the AC repairman gave me a few leads, but no one could help me. Recalling seeing some paperwork about the appliance upon moving in, I dug around and found some helpful docs. Sears! They have a Sears!

The next day, a Sears repairman came to the house to inform us that a very crucial part had to be replaced. He would have to order the part and it would be at least 5 days until he got it in. Five days without a fridge? How much is the part and repairs going to cost? Okay, deep breaths.

We are renting this home and the fridge appears to be less than two years old. I begin chatting with the repairman knowing that complaining isn’t going to get the thing fixed faster. Seeing the panic on my face and probably realizing that my AC was also on the fritz, he makes a few calls and discovers that the fridge is under warranty. He gives me everything I need so that the home owner can claim the repair on the plan she purchased through Sears. One of the many benefits of living in a small town: going the extra mile for your neighbor.

It took 12 days for our fridge to get up and running again but it didn’t cost us a penny. Had this happened in the town where we used to live, I’m quite certain it would have been fixed faster, but I seriously doubt my repairman would have gone to all that trouble to make sure I didn’t have to pay for the repairs.

And, that’s a trade off I’m willing to live with.

And So the Journey Begins...

At the urging of some friends, I have started a blog to chronicle our family’s recent switch in our surroundings, routines and perspectives on life.

Recently, our family moved from a suburb near a large city where we had spent the last six years entrenching ourselves in the community. We built our dream home and planned to stay until the kids graduated from high school. Our daughter was born four years ago and that was the only place she knew. I was heavily involved in the PTA, my husband and I both served at our local church, our children were loved by so many people and our son, a 10-year-old math and science genius, was attending a special program.

All that changed when we learned our very best friends were moving away to start something that we knew we wanted to be a part of. My gut told me that we had to follow them. This line of thinking was irrational and not like me. I couldn’t help but notice that anytime I spoke of this possible life switch, my eyes lit up and my insides sparkled. Nothing about this crazy idea seemed crazy when I vocalized our plans aloud. How could this be?

Following this line of thinking meant uprooting our family and everything we knew and moving to a small town with very few job prospects and even fewer things to do for fun.

And that’s exactly what we did.

I hope that you will consider joining me on this journey of self discovery as I learn what it’s like to trade in my big city dreams for small town bliss.