Breaking Up is Hard to Do

About a year ago, I penned a blog post addressed to women about how we can and should build up our sisters.  Clearly, I feel strongly about this since my fingers hijacked my keyboard and turned five suggestions into 15 before I knew what happened.  Showing love to our sisters is important, critical even, for the growth of the relationship. 

But, what happens when a friend relationship goes south?  When a major trust infraction occurs?  When being around that person brings out the worst in you? When the tension between you and your friend is palpable, unhealthy and dysfunctional?  (If you are trying to discern whether you are in an unhealthy relationship, read these six signs it might be time to break up.)

You have a decision to make:  Break fellowship or accept the consequences of a toxic relationship.

I have had to cut ties with a small number of dear friends during my lifetime.  Each time, I grieved and mourned the loss of that friendship and will still experience waves of the “good times” wash over me when I least expect it.  Pain and suffering are inevitable.  If you don’t feel this, you probably never really loved the person or invested much time in the relationship.  I’m not talking about losing touch with an acquaintance where you found you had little in common or were only friends for a short time.

My relational muscle is strong.  I crave deep, authentic community with women.  I work hard to be a trustworthy, loyal, edifying friend.  On the flip side, there have absolutely been times when I have messed up big time and a friend has cut ties with me.  I have been on both sides of this.  None of it feels good and it’s never easy. 

In my almost 40 years of being in relationships with other humans, here’s what I have learned about walking away from a less-than-edifying friendship:

Less is More.  Open and honest communication in healthy relationships is expected and natural.  Sadly, when a friend break up happens, the very personal reasons behind it are not always worth “talking out” or even explaining. If you are ready to sever ties, chances are you have made many attempts to resolve the underlying conflict.  (If not, take this author's advice on preparing your speech and talking things out.) Your friend is not entitled to an in-depth explanation if the toxicity has reached a level that requires an abrupt ravine between the two of you. Only you know if talking to your friend in person about the issues would cause more harm than good.  I suspect that not everyone will agree with me on this point, but my experience tells me that another painful, gut-punching conversation about why we aren't seeing eye-to-eye isn't going to solve anything.

Love them from a Distance.  Just because you walk away doesn’t mean you have to hate the person.  You can love them from a distance, pray for them and do your best to honor them with your words when talking to others.  You don’t have to let anyone else know why you cut ties.  It’s not their business and it doesn’t honor God to gossip about them. 

Forgiveness and Compassion.  Ending a friendship should never be done with a spirit of malice or cruelty.  You will most likely hurt the other person when they figure out that you have moved on from the relationship.  Eventually, you need to get to a place of forgiveness and compassion for the friend even if you feel they don’t deserve it.  Don’t let their hurtful or disheartening behavior continue to have power over your emotions.  Forgive, have compassion and move on. 

Conflict is Biblical.  Yes, the Bible teaches us to love one another, give grace and forgive each other.  Check, check and check.  BUT, the Bible does not tell us to be a doormat and tolerate agonizing or hurtful behavior from our Christian sisters (Matthew 18:17 and Titus 3:9-10).  The Bible also gives us real examples of relational conflict.  Paul famously broke fellowship with Mark, Barnabas and Peter.  Clues in the Bible tell us that Paul restored his relationship with Mark and Barnabas, but not Peter.  Stop believing you are unworthy to follow Jesus and unholy if you can’t get along with every person you meet.  To be clear, I’m not suggesting you use this principal as an excuse to complain about or find fault in others (Jude 1:16).  Focus on relationships that are built on trust, unconditional love and genuine empathy. 

Set Boundaries.  Setting physical boundaries where emotional boundaries have been trampled is an important step in the process of removing yourself from a toxic relationship.  This means you decline lunch appointments, shirk play dates and limit your texts and phone calls with the person.  This is a difficult step to take and should only be reserved for relationships that would require a miracle of God or a year of professional counseling to repair.  Listen, if a friend relationship takes more time, effort and work to keep on track than it takes to climb Mt. Everest, it might be time to walk away.  Still on the fence?  Read these four signs you are in a toxic relationship.

To Unfriend or Not to Unfriend:  Ten years ago, friend break ups were a lot less complicated. Social media reveals our deep friendships, casual connections and even our relationship failures to an audience once left in the dark.  Our mutual friends are now privy to a falling out whether we like it or not.  But here's the truth: when someone hurts you deeply and consistently over time and you come to the place where repairing the relationship is not feasible, drastic social media boundaries might be in order.  Be warned:  I have learned the hard way that this is like poking someone’s eyes out with a fork in public. Expect collateral damage. Friends on the fringes will unfairly judge your decision.  Again, it’s not their business. This step, while controversial, will protect your heart from seeing her posts and reminding you of the hurt and grief she caused you.  It also prohibits your friend from posting things on your page that are insincere or possibly hurtful.  I have a rule about this:  If I see you on a weekly or monthly basis over a consistent period of time, and you intentionally refuse to speak to me or make eye contact with me, I am going to assume you and I are no longer friends in “real life”.  Social media connections are fair game to be broken.  There, I said it.  It just doesn’t feel authentic to be “friends” with someone on Facebook or Instagram if they refuse to acknowledge me in public. 

Restoration is Possible.  Depending on how deep the relationship ties were and the severity of the offenses, restoration is still possible.  Time has a way of healing even our deepest wounds. One of my dearest childhood friends and I cut ties very suddenly when my son was very young over something I did. Almost 10 years later, we began writing each other and reconnected. Apologies were offered. Harmful words and actions were forgiven.  We don’t share the closeness we once had, but I am so happy to have restoration with this friend much like Paul and Barnabas must have experienced. I nearly missed her wedding as a result of our separation. God's timing was perfect, and I was honored to witness her nuptials.

Removing unhealthy or toxic relationships from your life takes courage and will cause you grief.  Understand that liberating yourself from dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships will set you on a path to spiritual, emotional and physical health that you cannot know or fully appreciate until you are on the other side.

What relationships in your life are toxic?  Is it time to set some boundaries? What relationships are built on trust and unconditional love?  Are you nurturing those friendships?