Family Dinners are Worth Fighting For

Family dinners were a staple of my childhood.  Time spent as a cohesive family of four was infrequent but family dinners were consistently a time to be together and catch up.

I envisioned recreating my childhood family meal times to be as natural and routine as breathing.  Everyone has to eat and families love each other so how hard can this be?  Reality has a way of beating you down and stealing your joy.  Maybe I'm the only one.

As a new mom, I found family dinner time to be exhausting and miserable.

Stay with me.

The kids complained about everything I cooked.  In their defense, my cooking is not exactly gourmet quality. As they got older, they couldn’t wait to excuse themselves to go back to their iPads and TV shows.  No one wanted to talk about their day or month or challenges they were facing.  The hubs was usually starving and not exactly up for having intriguing conversations or leading family devotionals. Sigh.

Feeling defeated, I gave up on family dinners many years ago and used dinner time as an opportunity to connect with my husband.  I became a short-order cook for the kids.  “You want toast and jelly for dinner? Served!”.

The hubs and I neglected our children and reconnected and downloaded about our day over a quick meal. Less drama.  Problem solved.

It wasn’t ideal, but it was better than the misery of forced family meal time where a riot might ensue at any moment.  Before you judge me, keep in mind that my son’s food aversions have made me consider reaching out to a food therapist multiple times.  He’s closer to a “non eater” than a picky one.  At one point, his BMI was 3%.  He’s not a little picky and I’m not easily defeated.  Know that, my friend.

And yet, studies suggest that family dinners benefit children immensely.  Parent fail. Let the guilt consume me now.

It was a documented goal of ours to have at least three family meals per week once we made the transition to rural, small town America and left the rat race behind.  Just three.

After living here a year, the idea of facilitating enjoyable family dinners didn’t seem as daunting.  After all, I was working from home and had a bit more time to be intentional and felt I had the stamina to withstand the inevitable grief and backlash that I would no doubt endure.

With vomit bowls at the ready (not kidding!), we cooked one meal for ALL family members and forced the kids to eat steak, spaghetti, grilled chicken, shrimp, pork tenderloin and many other horrible foods.

Aren’t we the worst parents ever? They hated it. They complained. It was miserable.

"This is the most disgusting thing ever!" and "I am NEVER eating this!" were phrases we heard constantly.

We didn’t give up.

We started out having one to two meals per week and gradually increased our together time as the drama got easier to manage.  We mixed in pizza delivery and other kid-friendly favorites to ease the transition.

Several months into grief-stricken meals where we forced food down them, corrected terrible table manners and tried to have civil conversations, something happened.

Mom’s food became tolerable, our son requested steak and claimed it as his favorite, our daughter wanted to help mom cook and volunteered to set the table. Soon, home-cooked dinners became incredibly peaceful and quiet. Blissful even. But, without conflict, we had nothing to say to each other.

Now what?

A wise mom gave me the idea of having each person talk about their high point and low point of their day. Brilliant.  We immediately added this component to family dinner time.  Many times, our son’s “high” will be family dinner time or the meal in front of him.  Bless him!  My heart swells every time this happens.

Being an intentional parent is exhausting.  Seemingly joyous encounters between family members -- vacation, meal time, game night -- can quickly turn into contentious, hurtful battlefields.

I now create a monthly meal plan and post it on the fridge.  The kids know what we’re having and don’t complain (most days!).  I no longer have a panic attack at 5:30 pm wondering what we are going to eat for dinner.

For us, the time investment was immense.  The abuse we endured was painful.  But, the outcome has been worth all of the sacrifice and agony.

If you are struggling to connect as a family, keep pushing through the pain.  Don’t give up.  Be intentional. Don’t take it personally when the kids insult your cooking, want to eat junk food and fight every time they are together.  Continue to demand mutual respect and play referee, when needed, and love on them through the quarrelsome times.  Most of all, don’t yell.  The anxiety you evoke will only make the situation worse.

I genuinely look forward to spending time as a family now.  This hasn’t always been the case and it’s difficult to admit that.

As moms, we don’t always like to talk about our failures or seek out advice as to how to facilitate better family relationships.

My prayer is that moms would find other moms to link arms with.  That they would actively seek out friends to build them up and make relationships with other moms in which support and encouragement are traded constantly.

In a few weeks, our family will embark on a 17-hour road trip, one way.  I'm hopeful that the work we've put into bringing our family closer together will make for a fun experience with lasting memories.  If not, I have headphones for everyone.

Shoring Up Our Sisters

When you think of shoring up something, you probably think of support beams and concrete.  After all, “shoring” is a construction term used to describe the process of supporting a structure in order to prevent collapse or erosion.  My in-laws shored up their lake house to prevent the foundation from eroding.  But, suppose we applied this principle to our relationships with the women in our lives.

Strong, supportive relationships are the basis of healthy work places, functional families and thriving churches.

Sadly, I frequently witness women quick to criticize and tear down other women, be it strangers or friends.  I am absolutely guilty of this.  We say things like, "Can you believe she blah, blah, blah?!" or "Did you hear that so-and-so forgot to fill-in-the-blank?!".  At times, it seems that we are hoping for our fellow sisters to fail or at least go through some pain and suffering for our own entertainment.  What is wrong with us?!

As women, we have made tremendous strides in society over the last 50+ years, but our ability to pat each other on the back and give genuine encouragement still lags. It's been my experience that women don't naturally think of positive things to say when a friend is, for example, killing it at work or juggling all three kids while her husband is traveling. Instead, we say awful things like, "I think Susie is working way too hard. She seems really stressed..." or "Did you see what Susie's youngest wore to school today?! She must be losing it!".

This recent post on Facebook where a friend doted on her best friend in authentic and heartfelt ways, made me realize how rarely I see this and prompted me to write this post. I suspect some women roll their eyes when they see an outpouring of positive sentiments for a fellow female.

Almost every book, article and Bible study on this subject claims our negative behavior stems from insecurity, and I suppose that is at play. But what makes us so insecure? Could the constant lack of consistent encouragement by half of the population contribute?

What if we lived in a world where women smiled graciously and oozed self-assured compliments without the expectation of reciprocation. Would our sense of self worth increase?

Even on our best days when we are walking tall as Daughters of Christ, a cold glance, curt response or deliberate avoidance can absolutely impact how we feel about ourselves.

I feel strongly that we have a responsibility to avoid criticizing other women and look for ways to shore up one another.

My mom used to say, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.".  But, I want to expand on this:  If you can't say something nice, ask yourself why?  Then, MAKE yourself say something nice.

I recently visited a church where the pastor talked about relationships.  He reminded me that relationships, like our faith, begin with trust.  Without trust, there is no relationship.  Can other women trust you?  Are you a sincere and genuine friend?

Because I’m a practical gal, I am providing you with 15 ways to “shore up” other women and communicate love that I hope you will consider putting into practice.  (Since there is no shortage of advice in the Bible as to how we are to love each other, I have included scripture verses that reiterate these points.)

1. Let her know you care.  Send a private message, email or text that says simply, "I'm thinking about you. Have a great day!" or “Hope you have a great day!”.  You never know when a friend might need a quick note of encouragement.  This doesn’t have to be a long dialogue or take up an hour of your day.  (Romans 15:4-5)

2. Hugs, hugs and more hugs.  A respected family therapist claims, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.” For close friends and people you see often, hugs can be huge. Physical touch shows that you care and communicates genuine (not fake) affection.  Have you ever tried to hug someone that you just criticized or that annoys you? There are some women that hate to be hugged but they are usually easy to read. Go in for a light shoulder pat if you encounter an anti-hugger. If you need more proof that hugs are huge, read this.  (Romans 12:9-10)

3. Give her an unexpected gift. Who doesn't love gifts? Women are easy to please and are usually floored by unexpected gifts. A few dollars can brighten her day. Drop off her favorite can of soda, candy bar and/or snack in a gift bag to let her know you care. I love giving extravagant gifts to close friends but typically save this for special circumstances.  (Matthew 10:42 and Luke 6:30-31)

4. Celebrate your differences. Opposing views on parenting or TV shows can destroy a friendship if grace is not given. Agree to disagree and avoid conversations that quickly escalate into debates or make you feel like putting on boxing gloves. (Proverbs 15:1-2)

5. Stay the course. For your inner circle of friends, the responsibilities of showing love are greater. Thankfully, social media tools make it easy to stay abreast of our friends' moods and activities, but don't rely on this tool for those 2-3 sticky friends. Our online persona doesn't always reflect reality. Only regular face-to-face contact or weekly in-depth conversations (electronic or by phone) can produce heartfelt honesty. No one wants to vent to a friend about life beating them down if they haven't spoken in months. (Proverbs 27:17 and Hebrews 10:25)

6. Don't pass judgment. Just don't. You don't know where she's been, how she was raised or the intensity of the fight she and her husband got into right before she left the house in her PJs.  (Romans 2:1-4 and Luke 6:37)

7. Learn how to take a compliment.  If a women tells you she loves your shirt, don’t insult her.  Just smile graciously, soak in her words and say “Thank you!”.  Routinely, I will respond to compliments by insulting the kind person, “What….this shirt?!  I’ve had it for like 12 years and I hate it.”   Deflecting compliments reveals our insecurities and undermines what your sister is trying to accomplish.  (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

8. Ask for grace. Running into a friend or acquaintance at the grocery store while in a rush or after a stressful day at work is never easy. Within 24 hours, simply text her (or send a private message) and explain your distant behavior. This may seem over the top but women have done this for me and it's made such an impression that I've started paying it forward. (James 4:6)

9. Don't give her unsolicited advice. Just listen and lament. So often, our well-meaning advice can sound like we disagree with every decision she's made. Sometimes she just needs you to nod and show compassion as she talks through a difficult situation. How boring would it be if we all had the same opinions, likes/dislikes and taste in clothes? Sometimes our differences cause us to hurt each other. Other times we are just way too opinionated for our own good!  Rule of thumb:  Does this  impact you personally?  No? Then, keep your opposing and hurtful opinions to yourself.  (James 1:19)

10. Brag on her publicly.  Social media is an awesome tool that can be used to communicate love about our friends when others are watching.  Uplifting posts about our friends on their wall or in comments can do wonders for everyone involved.  I’ve already shared that the catalyst for writing this post came as a result of reading that amazing post pictured above.  (Ephesians 4:29)

11. Seek counsel, not a gossip chain.  When our sisters hurt us, our first inclination is to spew on the first friend we see that will totally have our back and maybe even throw some fuel on the fire.  That always makes the situation better, right?  Wrong.  If there is a serious friendship offense that you HAVE to vent about, seek out a friend that is either completely removed from the situation or a person that loves your sister so much that nothing you say can sway her opinion. Many times, talking out the situation can help us to see our part in the breakdown.  (Hebrews 12:15)

12. Compliment her.  Tell her you love her hair, make up, eyebrows, earrings, shoes and parenting style.  There is no better feeling in the world than to watch a sister light up after being told she looks amazing or has great organizational skills.  My husband is not especially good at verbal compliments and he would admit that.  Thankfully, I have observant friends that always seem to notice a new pair of earrings or a fresh dye job on the do. (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

13. Be above reproach.  Put simply: aspire to be classy.  This simply means that you behave in a way that doesn't give your sister any reason to doubt your intentions or give her a reason to be disappointed in you.  This isn’t a way to show love, necessarily, but is more of an integrity check.  Stop yourself the next time you want to make a snide comment about someone to your bestie for a quick laugh.  (1 Peter 3:16 and 2 Corinthians 6:3).

14. Forgive her.  Your sisters are going to mess up.  None of us is perfect.  If relationships are going to press past the tough stuff, authentic forgiveness has to happen.  Again and again and again.  If your sister completely messes up but the offense is not egregious, forgive her (in your heart and mind) and move on. If you need to confront her, re-read tip No. 11 first.  (Matthew 18:22 and Colossians 3:13)

15. Pray for her.  This is a no-brainer but can be the most difficult.  Praying for someone that has hurt you will stretch your faith beyond measure.  A wise pastor’s wife recently reminded me that it's hard to think negatively about someone you are constantly lifting up in prayer. And, you leave room for God to do amazing things in her life. (Philippians 4:6-7)

In short, do the opposite when you feel like being negative. Serve her, pray for her and remind  yourself of the good things about your sister.  Don't vilify your sister and build a case against her to make yourself feel better than her. (Proverbs 12:18)

Let’s face it, we are all guilty of being critical and withholding love from our sisters. Myself included. Sadly, I have joked that being critical is one of my "spiritual gifts."

In legal vernacular, I'm issuing a cease and desist order on myself. No, I'm not going to be the “Negative Police” for fear of -- what else -- criticism. But, I will not be participating any longer and may gracefully exit the conversation.  It will take courage and practice on my part to step away from damaging words.

According to God and His Word, we are to love people (Matthew 22:37-39).

All people.

Even our sisters we are jealous of.
The ones that talk too loud.
Homeschool their kids.
Send their kids to public school.
Use Facebook as a personal diary.
Wear inappropriate clothing.
Party too much.
And, well, you get the idea.

Executing God's command looks a lot like the tips I have provided in this post. But this doesn't scratch the surface.

I challenge you to show love in other meaningful ways and figure out innovative ways to shore up your sisters.